Drinking at fraternities has become a serious problem: one student at LSU and another at MIT have died due to alcohol poisoning.
Three more students from the Alpha Beta Zeta fraternity were admitted to a local hospital Sunday morning, diagnosed with alcohol poisoning. Press Martin, from New Hampshire, Al Amalek, from Tennessee and Rob Smith, from Fairfax, were the three students admitted. Martin and Smith were released Monday morning, but Amalek is listed in critical condition.
According to Busy University, the three students were seen at the ABZ fraternity house and multiple witnesses confirmed they were consuming alcohol. “Based on that we are suspending the fraternity and all its activities on campus,” Jan Mize, a representative from the public relations department, said. According to Mize, a suspension like this typically lasts for one year.
“Any fraternity in which the members have alcohol will be immediately suspended,” said university president Harvey Smithville. “A second offense within a year will result in the banning of that fraternity for five years.”
“We wholeheartedly agree with President Smithville that alcohol has no place at fraternity parties,” added Interfraternity Council president Bart Addison. “I am shocked that this incident has occurred. I believed that everyone was adhering to the University’s policy. However, I do not believe that the entire fraternity should be held responsible for the actions of a few.”
Because of these recent incidents, the university is considering increasing police patrols of fraternity houses on the weekends.
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1. Rethink your lead. Are the deaths of random students at LSU and MIT weeks ago more important than local events that just happened?
2. Addison’s two quotes should not be combined into one.
3. Careful about attribution — Mize did not say what you have her saying.
1. In your lead I would mention the three students that were hospitalized and the one in critical condition. You do not have to mention their names so it can stay short and to the point. The important part is what happened, not who they are for the lead.
2. I do not think it is important to mention the schools where the two deaths happened. It is important that there were two fraternity party deaths due to alcohol.
3. I think that your second paragraph starting with “Three more” makes the reader think that they are from the two schools listed above. You do not mention the school until the third paragraph. I would consider moving that information to the second paragraph.
4. I think that having all the quotes in a row seem like there is a dialogue happening.